when you love somebody

The day we took these photographs, the sun was high in the sky like a golden peach and the ground was warm to walk upon. Signs of trees soon to blossom and the almost forgotten nectar of spring time awakened to remind us why the land beneath a peach sun is a land worth missing when it goes away. I made a bowl of oatmeal on the stove top and dressed it in brown sugar – I closed my eyes and each bite made me dream of the soon to be raspberry spoonful being stirred by my hands after foraging in the garden. I counted daffodils and pansies and golden sunflowers rising. 

Although there was daylight, oatmeal, and peach suns to live below, I couldn't keep myself from the blueness of this day. As we tried to take photographs, I could tell C wasn't in the mood for standing in and holding the camera. I couldn't understand why – spring was here, babies were laughing in the distance, and birds were full bellied. We've done this before, I thought. How hard could it be when this particular day was more beautiful than so many days that came before it? I started counting how many times I've been there for him, how I've never missed a gig, how helping me with photographs is all I ever ask for, how I've always put his smile before my own, as if I did all of these things to win and not simply because I love him.

This is where I end. Instead of calmly turning to him and trying to build a boat for us to ride across the stormy sea together, I got angry. Teeth showing, eyes rolling, a snapped branch on a white oak kind of angry. I rose my voice like a weed wrapping around a delicate flower. My mind turned into the belly of a vacuum, a space filled with every dust of anger once swept underneath the carpet. I was here in the forest, a place to call home, and my loved one stood angrily beside me. We may have been facing the sun, but the sullen mood stood like a dark cloud rolling over the mountain between us.

In these moments of hurt to be hurt, I think back to all of the trigonometry lessons I took in school and how I wish I could trade them for lessons on how to handle heartbreak and how to not spoil a spring day. We kept arguing, the way only loved ones are bound to, until I decided to walk away and find the river for cooling my skin. I could hear the birds, I could see where flowers were starting to grow and I could feel the peach suns glow on my forehead – none of it mattered, none of it felt beautiful because C was unhappy with me and I unhappy with him.

After letting time pass, we finally found each other and sat on a park bench until we left for home. I was hungry, my eyes were sore from crying and I had the desire to sleep for days. As we walked into the home we share, we turned to each other, the way only loved ones are bound to, and we hugged as if it to say let's walk into the peach suns and dark moons together. Looking back at it now, I wish I had remembered to breathe. Instead of tying stones to the little things that are better kept within, I should have remembered every kiss, every bout of laughter and the way he runs to get me apple juice whenever I go thirsty. 

When you love somebody, you don't have to be right.

The Outfit

Flower head crown – Crown and glory
Dress – The Bay

Vest – Value Village

  Wedges – Blowfish shoes *

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